i wanted death. He brought life.

Today, I am going to try to write out something really hard I went through, almost 3 years ago. The reason behind this, is because I feel like God wants me to, and that perhaps my story, can be a help for others.

That being said, here goes.

The day after I turned fourteen, was the day I fell away from God and entered into a very long, dark, depressing state.

I won’t go into extreme details on this part. But basically, I did something my parents had forbid me to not do, and they lost complete trust in me. I felt broken. I felt unloved. I felt like a total disappointment.

I say that that day was when I fell away from my relationship with God…But actually, I had been slowly falling away, the whole time I had been disobeying my parents. Add on top of this, that some of my best friends were moving away, out of my life forever. And I felt like I had no true, real friends left. I felt abandoned.

You know, I was that girl who seemed to have it all going for her. Who was pretty, had an awesome family, was kind of shy, but still somewhat popular at church and seemed to have a really rich relationship with God.

I may have had some of those things…I may have looked like I had everything figured out with my life, but stark reality told differently.

The day my parents lost total trust in me, was the day that I lost all trust and confidence in myself. In fact, I hated myself. Utterly despised every part of my being and I honestly wished I had never, ever been born.

Since I {obviously} couldn’t curl into a fetal position and fit myself back into my mother’s womb, I contemplated the next best thing – suicide. If life wouldn’t take me back from whence I came, I might as well just rid the earth of my horrible existence.

My reasoning was, why keep living, if there was no reason to? I didn’t feel loved by anyone, so surely I wouldn’t be missed. And what good was I doing, staying alive? Absolutely none at all. I felt like I was a burden, upon everyone around me.

Somehow though, for some reason, I never went through with what my mind contemplated…

Instead, God started to show me things. He opened my eyes to the people around me. Light. The Light I had been pushing away and ignoring for so long, suddenly began to flood into my soul.

I began to realize that I was not the only hurting person in the world. I was not the only person who suffered from depression and who doubted.

God showed me that what I had gone through was so minor and small, compared to what others were going through. My being so depressed, God turned around and used for good.

I began to realize how selfish I had been, and how I was SO loved. I looked around myself and saw that other people needed loving….And God had given me so much love; I should give a little back, to those around me.

The rest is pretty much history. It’s been almost two years since that all started, and God has grown in me a strong desire to continually love those around me. I’m not that great at it, either. I’m constantly having to battle with my inward self over whether to love Keziah, or to love that other person….
It’s not easy. In fact, loving people is the hardest thing you’ll ever do in life. But it’s so worth it and it’s what we are called to do. To everybody. Even….actually. ESPECIALLY those you don’t want to love or who you don’t like. Those people…those are the ones you need to try your hardest at loving.

I’m not exactly sure why I wrote this all out. Who knows, maybe it will be of some help or encouragement to y’all.

That’s all I’ve got, though. So, until later….

Carpe Diem.

-Keziah ❤

31 thoughts on “i wanted death. He brought life.”

  1. Thank you for sharing. We all go through dark times, some of us are just better at hiding it than others. I’ve had a lot of darkness in the last couple years, and I think I needed this perspective shift today. Have a great day!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m so glad you decided to share this. This is so powerful and uplifting, and a great reminder that you CAN come back from the darkness, even when you think it’s impossible. Thanks for sharing. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Thanks so much for sharing, Keziah. This is incredible…
    And you’re spot on. Focusing on ourselves brings nothing but depression. Loving God and others with all that we are is THE only way!!! I needed this reminder today. Thank you! ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Thanks for sharing your story with us, Keziah! It means a lot!
    I think every girl goes through a refining period … I had mine in my 14th year as well. Hindsight is the easiest way to learn, but if we never experienced the pain it wouldn’t be so wonderful to be free of pain.💕
    May God be with you in all your refining periods!😊

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s